An Unhealthy Coping Strategy

Hi, my name is MSloan, and I am a shopaholic.

I started my addiction to shopping in 2009 shortly after I got married and fell into a deep depression.  I felt completely alone in my life, despite marrying a wonderful man, and I felt like I had no real direction.  I was applying to graduate school in the only thing I had ever really studied, and I really had issues with feeling satisfied with myself - how I looked, how I felt, how I dressed, and how I coped.

I started to get "sick" around this time - the infamous part of my life that I describe as such.  I know now that it was the beginning of my MS.  But then - I was just getting sick.  Sick in an indescribable way.  Sick in a way that made me dizzy and nauseated, in a way that made me hate who I was.

So what did I do?  I went shopping.
I shopped and I shopped.  I went to the JcPenney no less than three times per week.  I was constantly crawling the mall, looking for sizes that fit.  I bought lots of clothes of the same style in different colors.  Some of these clothes I still have - but when you buy a lot of clothes at once, it's highly unlikely that you're purchasing quality stuff.  The clothing I bought was much more professional than my every day life called for - I ended up standing out looking too old for my age, or above my "station."  But I didn't care - I craved respect, because I couldn't give it to myself.  I also had concerns about whether or not my clothes were modest enough - a change that I was making at this same time, adding more stress to the situation.

I didn't go into tremendous debt for my shopping, but I knew I had a problem.  If I wasn't at home or at work, I was shopping.  I walked into the Dress Barn on the corner of the Target lot probably as often as I went to the Target (which was often).  I knew every inch of the store.  I was at these stores so much, there was no point in shopping - I knew all the inventory.  I shopped online.  I learned that inventory.  I memorized where clothes were on each page, which color I could buy it in, what size.  I learned the names of styles and fabrics.  I bought shoes.  I bought jewelry.  I kept shopping.

Since that time, I have learned that I can still slip into shopping addiction really quickly, especially when I am feeling low.  This year, I have found myself falling back into that cycle.  I thought I was feeling well enough about my circumstance, but clearly that's not true.  I have bought literally thousands of dollars of clothes.  While I am still not going into debt for my addiction, it is taking a toll on my savings, and what I had hoped to save up for.  I bought $200 of clothing yesterday.  I shouldn't be spending money at all - I have to pay for a colonoscopy, likely before the month is out.

What is wrong with me??

MSloan

Chat MS - 11/30/2015

This last Chat MS was all about MS research, a topic dear to my little science heart!  Please don't hesitate to copy/paste to your own blog to keep the conversation going!

Q1 – Do you keep up to date with latest #MultipleSclerosis news and research articles?

I do a bit - since I am in the loop for new hearing science developments, I occasionally come across good Multiple Sclerosis treatments.  I do of course read the ones that get distributed by the National MS Society.

Q2 – What is your “go to” place for the latest in #MultipleSclerosis information?

National MS Society and, believe it or not, Twitter.  Unlike Facebook, I have found the Twitter is a really great way to stay up to date on the latest research and developments with MS because I follow a fair amount of heavy hitters.  I recommend it to anyone looking for regular answers and a real community.

Q3 – It seems each week there may be a breakthrough or “game changer” when it comes to treatment. What has you excited the most?

Ah man, I see this all the time, but honestly I haven't seen a lot of stuff that excites me.  However, my dad hears things all the time and is really excited about them for me.  He learned about the bee sting study and got really hyped up and told me about it every time we talked on the phone for a month.  My dad doesn't talk to me on the phone.  So yeah, he thought it was a pretty big deal!

Q4 – Have you or would you ever enroll in a clinical trial to see how something new may affect your MS?

ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY.  I have been a part of a research study on physical ability and MRI correlates at the University of Colorado at Boulder.  I enrolled just after my diagnosis.  It is SO important to participate in research, even if it isn't a clinical trial.

Q5 – In many cases we see articles claiming breakthroughs but never seem to hear anything else. Why do you think this is?

This is the sad reality of science.  Single studies are not enough to effect real change.  Some studies look great on the surface, but repeat studies do not find the same thing.  There has to be a repeatable response for it to be transferred into a real FDA-approved treatment.

Q6 – There are trials on-going for treatments that repair myelin. Would you be interested in this? Or is it “just another drug”?

I think this is excellent!  But right now - - I am a bit skeptical.  I fear that medication that can increase myelin would be hard pressed to be controlled enough not to over produce and cause an adverse effect, specifically causing other diseases like neurofibromatosis, which is essentially the evil opposition to MS.

Q7 - What is a cure to you? Stopped progression forever? or complete reversal of symptoms? 

Both of course!  Stopped progression is incredibly important to me.  More research on medications and the JC virus.  More research on effective medications that don't cause OTHER problems.

Q8 – Do you think we will see a #MultipleSclerosis cure in the next 10 years?

.... realistically?
No.  I am not trying to be a bad news bear, but even if there was a major breakthrough in the progressing of MS and how to halt it in its tracks, it would most likely be over 20 years before we see that get distributed out to the masses.  Because of the nature of MS, the relapsing part of the disease makes it all the more difficult to understand the effectiveness of things such as 'cures.'  There's very much a difficulty here in how to determine what is really causing the relapses to halt - is it because that person's disease is just relaxing?  Or is it because of the medication?  This is why MS is so hard to pinpoint.

Thanks for reading, all!  MSloan

Baby Blanket

I started a baby blanket last night!  Well, I attempted to, until I was hit with a wave of fatigue so hard I thought I was going to pass out, while sitting down!  I had just enough energy to take my prenatal and crawl into bed.

Where I proceeded to lie awake for several hours.  AUGH!  I can't be alone in this.  I feel like a Nirvana lyric.

I did, however, 'wake up' this morning and went for a walk to the local donut shop.  Cake donut with sprinkles - mm!  I am still not gaining anywhere near enough weight for my pregnancy, in fact I am losing weight, so I'm trying to remember to eat during the day.  I have never been successful at putting on weight when I want to.  Stop bitching - I'm tall and have skinny genes, so this has always been more of a 'bean pole' struggle than you might think.

My baby blanket is a light teal, gray, and yellow, as we don't know the sex of the baby yet and I like the colors - it will go well with our Pooh themed nursery!  I like my glider, I especially like that while I'm crocheting I am not able to focus on the numbness in my feet.  It seems to be the worst at night, gets better at about 11 AM, and then fluctuates for the rest of the day until about 9 PM when it gets really bad again.  Thus far, it has not creeped up my legs much, and I'm taking that as a good sign!

Neurologist decided not to do an MRI due to 'unknown risk to the fetus,' I was under the impression that an MRI was safe during pregnancy but I will defer to his judgment unless something really gets worse.

Enough for now, back to crocheting and watching "Moonrise Kingdom."  I love Wes Anderson movies, don't you?  Over and out -

MSloan

Relapse?

Hey all.  Today has been an interesting day.

After making such a big, stinking deal of being happy that being pregnant reduces MS relapses, I seem to have forgotten the operative word:

REDUCES.

It doesn't eliminate relapses, and I woke up this morning with no feeling in my left toes, and none in my right big toe.  I don't know if this is my MS or if it's somehow related to my pregnancy, but I feel like an idiot!

More updates to come - Love all!