An Unhealthy Coping Strategy

Hi, my name is MSloan, and I am a shopaholic.

I started my addiction to shopping in 2009 shortly after I got married and fell into a deep depression.  I felt completely alone in my life, despite marrying a wonderful man, and I felt like I had no real direction.  I was applying to graduate school in the only thing I had ever really studied, and I really had issues with feeling satisfied with myself - how I looked, how I felt, how I dressed, and how I coped.

I started to get "sick" around this time - the infamous part of my life that I describe as such.  I know now that it was the beginning of my MS.  But then - I was just getting sick.  Sick in an indescribable way.  Sick in a way that made me dizzy and nauseated, in a way that made me hate who I was.

So what did I do?  I went shopping.
I shopped and I shopped.  I went to the JcPenney no less than three times per week.  I was constantly crawling the mall, looking for sizes that fit.  I bought lots of clothes of the same style in different colors.  Some of these clothes I still have - but when you buy a lot of clothes at once, it's highly unlikely that you're purchasing quality stuff.  The clothing I bought was much more professional than my every day life called for - I ended up standing out looking too old for my age, or above my "station."  But I didn't care - I craved respect, because I couldn't give it to myself.  I also had concerns about whether or not my clothes were modest enough - a change that I was making at this same time, adding more stress to the situation.

I didn't go into tremendous debt for my shopping, but I knew I had a problem.  If I wasn't at home or at work, I was shopping.  I walked into the Dress Barn on the corner of the Target lot probably as often as I went to the Target (which was often).  I knew every inch of the store.  I was at these stores so much, there was no point in shopping - I knew all the inventory.  I shopped online.  I learned that inventory.  I memorized where clothes were on each page, which color I could buy it in, what size.  I learned the names of styles and fabrics.  I bought shoes.  I bought jewelry.  I kept shopping.

Since that time, I have learned that I can still slip into shopping addiction really quickly, especially when I am feeling low.  This year, I have found myself falling back into that cycle.  I thought I was feeling well enough about my circumstance, but clearly that's not true.  I have bought literally thousands of dollars of clothes.  While I am still not going into debt for my addiction, it is taking a toll on my savings, and what I had hoped to save up for.  I bought $200 of clothing yesterday.  I shouldn't be spending money at all - I have to pay for a colonoscopy, likely before the month is out.

What is wrong with me??

MSloan