It has been a strange last few months.
Can you all keep a secret?
In May, I went off my medications. I stopped taking Gilenya, the Lexapro. I didn't have side effects coming off the Gilenya - so that's great news for any users out there, no withdrawal symptoms. The Lexapro was another story. As a seratonin uptake inhibitor, it can really affect a number of systems all at once because of withdrawal alone. So I weaned.
Oh.. but weaning is so hard. I broke my pills in half and took then every other day for weeks. When I finally stopped taking them, I got bad sweats, terrible dizziness, disorientation, overall feeling of 'ickiness' and felt my anxiety coming back like a freight train. It's worse now than it's been since I started the pills, which I guess is a great sign that they were working, but in any case it's important to note that side effects with certain drugs only happen when you stop the medications (that is, unless my high cholesterol really was from the Lexapro to begin with).
I went off the Lexapro for a few reasons, and I want to see what happens to my cholesterol when I take another blood test next week. I have been spending so much time at the lab in Kaiser that they all know me there. It's that sad, haha, but I would rather be known in the lab than in the infusion center for MS steroids. GROSS SOLLY HEADACHE.
Well, I might as well get to the point then, shall we?
A little over a week ago, I took a few days off work. I was staying at home to get some mental health time in as I was continually feeling exhausted at work and was worrying that I might be on the precipice of a flare. I really needed some time to myself and to think. But on my first day of my little vacation, I took a pregnancy test.
:)
It turns out that we are expecting, though the whole experience so far has been more than a little nerve-wracking. I have been spotting for a coupe of weeks and was very concerned - this is why I keep going to the lab. Nothing at this point is certain. Well, except for the fact that my B cup breasts have doubled in size and I've gained 10 pounds - and the exhaustion and hot flashes are just nightmarish, let me tell ya. However I feel immune to a lot of the nausea because of my MS, and otherwise am feeling well enough to go to work and get things done as usual. The biggest disruption thus far has been my hormones making me super touchy - the strained relationship I have with mom is only that much worse with this kind of news.
I really want to tell her - but I'm worried at the same time, because I need her to be supportive and happy and I am not sure she is capable of that. Which is such a sad thought. I have worked so hard to make my family happy and have not succeeded.
I am tired and she is, of course, berating me over email about the same old thing. I guess she won't find out today that she will (most likely) be a grandmother in April.
Love to all, please send prayers and good thoughts, and keep it to yourself :)
Margo
