Feeling Low

Sometimes I feel like I'm climbing a mountain with no summit and no oxygen.  I keep climbing and climbing, but I just can't get there.  I am frozen with cold.  I can't feel my feet.  I can't feel my fingers.  But I keep climbing anyway.

What am I doing this for?

Looking in the mirror lately is just that much more difficult.  I'm breaking out and the acne won't stop.  My hair is a disaster.  I want to get it cut but I can't afford it, and I really can't afford the maintenance trims on a short cut right now.  I am not gaining enough weight, which is stressing me out.  The stress makes my MS worse.  That stresses me out even more.  So I don't eat, because I'm stressed, and have no appetite.  So I'm not gaining enough weight.  Which stresses me out.

Forget the mountain.  I'm on a bridge that goes in circles, precariously over a disastrous cavern, with no end in sight.

I asked him to do a single thing, load the dishwasher, three days ago.  He keeps telling me how tired he is.  I am trying not to be insulted.  But then he mentions it again.  Talks about it when he's home from work.  Complains when he gets up in the morning.  "I'm tired."  I'm sorry you're tired.  I'm pregnant and have MS, work full time, and then have to take care of this house when I come home.  You stayed home for 2 days this week and cleaned not a single inch of this apartment.  We BOTH live here.  Why is it only my job?  I don't complain about being tired any more.  I have been tired since February 2014.  I've been exhausted beyond belief for the last three months.  I can't sleep through the night because I have to get up three times to pee, and when I get up, my brain doesn't shut off.  Baby hasn't even arrived yet and I'm pulling all-nighters while you push your huge comforter onto my side of the bed, where I already have limited real estate.

So you're tired?  Climb the damn mountain.  You'll know the real meaning of exhaustion then, too.

Sorry.  I know he's doing his best.  I can't fault him for everything.  But it doesn't feel like a nice thing to do the dishes when I have to force you into doing them.  I'd rather do it myself, when I know it will get done, and I know they will be clean, instead of having to redo them tomorrow when you're gone at yet ANOTHER camping trip with the scouts and I'm home alone.  AGAIN.  To clean and take care of the house.  AGAIN.  How the hell can I start nesting if you won't help me?  I can't keep up.

I'm tired.

MSloan