Remember how I was struggling with whether or not I should tell people about my diagnosis? I'm glad I didn't spread the word like wildfire or make a big deal about it publicly. The reason? The one place I really had no choice to, my job, has been a great little petri dish for how people actually respond in this situation.
At work, I felt like I had to share what was going on because of the nature of my job. I work with an awful lot of people with varying neurological conditions, so it's hard to keep things secret when you know you've got a neuron problem. My boss is incredibly sweet and caring, so there was no reason to keep things from her if I was concerned. But also, because my coworker has MS and has been open about it, the topic is almost always 'on the table' in some way. So when I came into work and mentioned offhand that I couldn't feel my leg, she immediately said, "I know what that's like, it sucks..." and I gave her a knowing look. She could tell by looking at me that I suspected, but hadn't said anything. But when my boss came in, she overheard what I had said, and of course pulled me aside with concern. "You know what that could mean because it's affecting both your legs," I nodded, agreed, yes yes. So when I went to the ER the next day, I didn't hesitate to tell her what they found.
As a result, everyone in my immediate office knew what was going on because they knew. And not everyone in the office responded the same way. There are only 5 people in my office besides me, one of them was out of town at the time of my first being sick, and the other two are very strong young women who have their own problems. One of them in particular has never spoken to me about what I've been dealing with - which is fine, but a little odd to me. You'd think you'd say something. But it's obvious that the whole ordeal makes her uncomfortable. I act fairly flippant, 'matter-of-fact' about it at work as a result, trying not to make anyone else uncomfortable because no one knows what to say.
I have found that some people respond well to the flippant attitude, because it makes for less awkward conversations when you're up front, 'no big deal,' 'it is what it is.' Especially my doctors who say I'm handling things 'surprisingly well for my circumstance.' But am I really? Or am I just faking myself out of feeling really upset?
My coworker, one in particular, is pulling away. I don't know if this is because I'm leaving or because of the illness, but it makes me feel like not going to work.
I think in this circumstance, I am happy to have depression. Depression, in a word, tends to 'mute' things. I don't describe my depression as a presence of sadness; it is more an absence of joy. It's really an absence of all sorts of emotions. When I was told I had MS, I didn't get upset - I asked what we did next. Not what my ER doc had in mind (I know lots of people react this way, but it seems obvious not to him). But I did the same thing recently when they told me things weren't looking better - and their response to mine was, 'wow, you look great for all that's going on.' I have to thank my depression right now for keeping me grounded. No, I'm not getting as fangirly as I used to over my major celebrity crush or a good day at work, but I am also not breaking down in tears every few minutes. Thanks, depression!
I guess the point is, I understand why people pull away. I know it makes people uncomfortable. But seriously, really, it doesn't make anyone more uncomfortable more than me - I wish they could see past the flippant response and see that it's scary and not OK.
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