Two Years Is Not Very Long

Good morning readers,

Today marks 2 years to the day that I woke up and could not feel my left leg.  Technically, yesterday was, but this marks the day that I really 'knew' what was going on.  I had an inkling the day before, but when I woke up for the second morning and still could not feel my left leg and my right foot, it was confirmed.

Something was wrong ... and I knew instantly that it was MS.  I had known deep down since January of 2010, but two years ago today I had no more room for uncertainty.  I had mentioned it to my coworker, who had MS, and she nodded at me in a knowing fashion.  I had hoped to keep it under wraps, but my boss walked in on us talking about it and she also knew what was going on.  It was a sad and oddly supportive time.  I called a neurological group close to where I was working, and got no answer - I was not sure what to do, or if it was safe to wait. 

Two years ago tomorrow, I received the official diagnosis from the emergency room (though they would say they gave me a 'tentative diagnosis,' we all know what really happened).  I had Multiple Sclerosis.  I read the report describing several 'foci of restricted diffusion,' the title of this blog.

Today, in juxtaposition to this memory and scary time, I am having a baby shower for my impending child.  I am 32 weeks along and she is kicking away today.  I am just as scared as I was two years ago, but for entirely different reasons.  I have a new reason to be excited for the month of March, and it isn't job interviews and trips.  It's getting ready for my Tesla.

I wish I could say that in these last two years that I have really learned a lot.  I have, but so much of it has been negative that I choose to try and focus on other things.  My mother has declined into a complete state of paranoia, frequently.  I am now reading a book on healing from a narcissistic parent, and I'm finding that helps a lot.  Makes me feel less alone, though I know I have a long way to go before I will be really mentally and emotionally capable of caring for my daughter the way I should.

Wow, February seems to be a big month for me - two years ago tomorrow I was diagnosed, today is my baby shower, Monday is my 8 year anniversary of being with my husband.  It's a lot of things to take in!

Love to all, MSloan