Muted

Depression is not a presence of sadness.  Rather, it is more an absence of joy.

I am steeped in quite a pit of depression right now.  It is somewhat seasonal, and I can't say I'm surprised, but it is coming at a very bad time.

I had another MRI about a week ago, and the insurance didn't cover the brain, only the cervical/thoracic spine.  Those are apparently clear, but then it doesn't explain why I get the shocks when I move my neck forward.  And does this mean that my neurologist can't get a report on the brain, even though they took the images?  How does that make sense?  If I had to sit in the MRI machine for 2 hours and have a bruise on my arm as a result of a botched infusion of the gadolinium, don't I deserve to know what the heck is going on in my brain?

I'm supposed to start Gilenya next week.  I was supposed to start it today, but didn't find out until the end of last week that I needed to have a lot of pre-tests done before.  Called by the neurology MA - 'You will be hearing from this nurse to get them scheduled.'  'Okay, thanks, I will get them set up.'  Wait a few days, hear nothing.  Call back about the eye test - still no word.  EKG and blood test?  Still nothing.  Call the neurology MA again, feel like I get in trouble for not having it done.  But you told me they would call me?  Okay, I'll find a place to do it.  Okay, we'll move the start date a week out.  You know I'm supposed to move here right?  Okay, I'll wait to hear from them.  What's that?  That eye place doesn't want to do that test, they need to refer me out again?  Okay, I'll wait.  Oh, now you say I have to set up the other tests.  Fantastic.  I'll do that - oh, wait, no, on the day those are set up the nurse finally calls to get them scheduled at a different place so I don't have to pay for it.  Well, seeing as I'm broke and now have bills to pay, sure I'll take you up on that.  Haven't you done this before?  How am I supposed to know how this works?  Okay, I'll do that then.  Eye test today.

Did I mention I'm graduating tomorrow?

I am so unbelievably stressed out.  I feel like I'm having another exacerbation in the middle of all this.  I am having the MS hugs so frequently that I don't want to eat, which makes it worse.  I'm not feeling as tingly, which is good, but that changes by the hour.  I feel like crying all the time, and finally started now that I'm not at work.  I finished my internship yesterday, and now I have to jump right in to finding a place to live on the other end for my new job.  The new job!  It starts in a month.  I am not ready.  I need a break.  I have no time for a break, now I have to pack to move.  I have no energy.

This feels like a spiral.  I can't get a hold of anything.  There are so many things I want to get done, I need to get done, in the time before we move - and I just can't find the time to do it.  Now my husband keeps asking if I'll fly out to California to find a place to live soon - when am I going to do that?  Why do I have to do that by myself?  Oh yeah, because I'm broke.  Because there's no good way to end up in this situation, but this particularly sucks.  I have no one, I feel so alone, I feel like there are so many people in my husband's life who are not uncomfortable asking him how he's feeling but no one wants to find out how I'm handling it.  So, as a result, the few times I do get asked I end up lying - "I'm doing okay, it's stressful but I'll get through it."  "I think if God wants me to learn something, I better learn it fast, haha!"  "It won't help me get better to sit and feel sorry for myself about it.  Yeah, good for me.  I'm doing well."

Well, here's a confession for you, bloggies.  I'm not handling this very well.  I am depressed beyond belief and cannot bear to think about another poke and prod in the next few days.  I put on a brave face for all these medical tests, but I HATE needles.  I have been doing really well with all of it, gritting my teeth.  But I don't want to be put on a drug that will force me to inject myself every day.  I can't fathom having to do that, but that's where I'll be, since Gilenya is basically just a band-aid until my next neurologist puts me on something stronger.  This is terrifying, I feel weak and unprepared for life.  I spent so much money and time being told that I was destined for great things, and now I feel like giving it all up.  I feel like running away.  HA - running.  I made a running joke.  Get it?  Because now that I have had this last exacerbation, I can't feel my feet anymore at baseline.  Makes running really difficult.  HA HA HA HA HA.

This bloody sucks.  I graduate tomorrow and I don't even care.  I want my family to celebrate without me.  Why do I need to be there again?  My wedding was a cheap bust of a party, so I have been 'planning' a grand graduation celebration ever since.  The MS diagnosis really screwed that up, because now we don't have the money, the friends, the space, etc.  We are going to have a backyard barbecue at my mom's house, decided yesterday.  She is upset that my dad will be there.  It's a family event.  My husband is graduating too, so his giant clan of a family will be there.  They all have small children.  My mom has dogs.  It's turning into a mess really fast.  I don't want to go.  I want to run away, I want to see the new Hiddleston movie again, I want to pretend that someday a good looking British man will look at me and tell me that I'm pretty.  I don't want to feel like the ugly reflection I'm seeing lately, with dark blue-circle eyes from no sleep and poor diet.  I can't afford to eat better, I've had my last paycheck.  I feel like an observer in my own life right now, unable to tap in.  Why can't I tap in?

Thanks for listening, bloggies.  Until next time.