"I can't wait to feel normal again."
With all of these developments progressing as they are, I'm starting to understand that my little silent wish is long gone now - things are never going to feel like they used to before that time. Sure, there were pockets of time here and there that I felt 'mostly ok,' better than usual, and so my energy levels were closer to where they were supposed to be.
The three months before my diagnosis were the best I'd had in years, more fulfilling and happy than I had noticed in the recent past. Graduate school sucks the life right out of you, and heaven forbid you have creativity to sacrifice while you learn - it teaches you to think in a box, so when you finally have a chance to do something else, you have to train your brain to think for itself again.
Sure, it sounds cheesy, but during that time I became involved with a pretty large fandom of people. I started writing fanfiction, drawing, and painting again. I haven't painted in years, and I started doing portraiture work of all things! Portraits are insanely difficult, but I loved every minute of it. I started painting superheroes, birds, lions - even a huge 30 x 40 inch dragon (measure out the size of that canvas. It's the size of my kitchen table.) It's not the biggest thing I've painted, but it was the biggest thing since I was 17 and did backdrop painting for my school's drama department. I truly believe that my little celebrity crush for this fandom woke up a part of my brain that I desperately needed, as obsessive as it made me feel. I wrote a novel in 6 months for goodness' sake.
But today, I woke up knowing that my novel was over, that I had unfinished paintings all over the house - as a result of not being able to finish them because of bad optic neuritis during my diagnosis. I'm trying to pack because I have to move in the next month to California, but I don't have the energy to do all the cleaning, packing, and organizing that I have to do before this happens.
So tonight, I'm going to try and do something that makes me feel happy again. Tonight I'm going to start a new painting. Please wish me luck that this will not be interrupted, and I won't have more unfinished projects all over the house. I have commissioned paintings to complete the superhero lineup - but I just can't focus enough to paint faces right now. I hope they understand.
I wish this came with a book of tips - like how to get your energy back, how to not feel hopeless, how to not feel frustrated when they send you vials and syringes in the mail with NO INSTRUCTIONS. But alas, I will have to rely on my paintbrushes to do it for me.
Love all.
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