So Many Thoughts

Oy.

I really despise being sick.  I feel like I've been sick my whole life.

I miss my mother, even though right now she would probably be the absolute worst person to have around in this time.  She would likely make me feel ten times worse instead of better.  Nonetheless, I miss her, and wish I had her to call and talk to.

I miss feeling like I had a best friend I could just call and cry to.  I'm scared.  I don't know why my body keeps doing these things, without warning, totally impacting everything I do on a daily basis.

My job is not working out.  I love what I do, and I wouldn't change my career for the world, but this particular place is just not a good fit for me.  I don't know if I should try to stick it out longer before leaving, or if I should just cut my losses now.  I know they depend on me for these new locations, but there is so little business coming in besides what I brought with me from my last office.  How depressing is that?

My husband is tired of me being sick just as much as I am.  I haven't been able to have sex in two months.  That's an even longer break than usual, simply because I haven't been feeling well, and now I am understandably anxious about having anything happen in the region where I'm bleeding and have pain up my urethra.  I mean, if sex makes one vulnerable to UTIs anyway, this condition is making that possibility even more likely since I'm on the steroids.  He's losing patience with me, I can feel it, even though he says he's not.  It makes me worried that the support line I have at home is running out.

I wish I could feel the steroids doing something.  Since yesterday's cystoscopy, my bladder hurts worse and my urine is yet again changing more colors.  I'm confident that I'm not imminently going to die or something, but it's very nervewracking to look behind you after going to the bathroom and seeing a very unnatural sight.  It makes me want to crawl in a corner, sleep all day.  But I have a kid and I can't do that.  I wish my sister or family was here so they could help with the kid and I could get some rest.

I am grateful for my daughter, who snuggles with me in the morning, who wiggles her little bum when watching TV, and gets excited for little things like eating oatmeal.  She is truly the biggest delight in my life.  I get tired of having to constantly be moving around her, but I wouldn't change her for the world.  For this I have to keep my head up and remind myself every second why it doesn't matter what I'm feeling - if I allow her to grow up well, it won't matter how I'm feeling now.

That's what I'm telling myself.
MSloan